⚖ The Advocate
Family & Relationships

I Don't Shout or Hit — This Is Not Abuse

A partner denies that psychological and economic control constitute domestic violence

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The Situation

What They Said

“I have never hit you or even raised my voice. How can you call this abuse? You are being ridiculous.”
This phrase is used by a partner who exercises ongoing emotional manipulation, financial control, or psychological coercion to deny that their behaviour constitutes domestic violence, using the narrow popular definition of abuse as physical violence only.
The Fallacy

No True Scotsman / False Definition

This argument relies on a false and narrow definition of abuse — one that only counts visible, physical violence. South African law defines domestic violence far more broadly to include emotional, psychological, and economic forms of control. The argument also uses the absence of shouting and hitting to construct an immunity claim — 'real' abuse is something else — which is a no true Scotsman fallacy applied to the definition of violence.

What the Law Says

Your Legal Foundation

Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998
Section 1 — Comprehensive Definition of Domestic Violence
“'Domestic violence' includes physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional, verbal and psychological abuse; economic abuse; intimidation; harassment; stalking; damage to property; entry into the complainant's residence without consent, where the parties do not share the same residence; or any other controlling or abusive behaviour towards a complainant, where such behaviour harms, or may cause imminent harm to, the safety, health or well-being of the complainant.”
The Domestic Violence Act contains a comprehensive definition that explicitly includes psychological, emotional, and economic abuse — the absence of physical violence does not mean domestic violence is absent.
Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998
Section 1 — Psychological Abuse — Specific Conduct
“'Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse' means a pattern of degrading or humiliating conduct towards a complainant, including repeatedly making the complainant feel helpless, hopeless, afraid, or inferior; repeatedly threatening to have the complainant deported; or repeatedly subjecting the complainant to behaviour that causes or is likely to cause psychological harm, including isolating the complainant from family, friends and social support.”
Ongoing patterns of control, humiliation, threats, and isolation that create fear or hopelessness in a partner are explicitly defined as domestic violence — whether or not any physical act has occurred.
What Scripture Says

God's Word on This

Proverbs 12:18 (NET)
“Speaking recklessly is like the thrusts of a sword, but the words of the wise bring healing.”
Scripture recognises that words and their psychological impact can wound as deeply as physical violence — the harm of psychological abuse is not diminished by the absence of physical blows.
Matthew 5:22 (NET)
“But I say to you that anyone who is angry with a brother will be subjected to judgment. And whoever insults a brother will be brought before the council, and whoever says 'Fool' will be sent to fiery hell.”
Jesus elevated the standard of relational harm to include contemptuous speech and attitudes — the inner posture of degrading another person carries moral and spiritual weight regardless of whether a physical act occurs.
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What They'll Say Next

Common Counter-Arguments

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They might say: “A protection order is only for physical violence — a court will never grant one for this.”
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